Bismih Ta’ala.
Welcome back after some spell. Bond of Bliss articles did not hit the boards for some time, and I am happy to be back with you.
Last lesson, we discussed how to avoid arguments. Hope you remember. Continuing from this point, as communication skills are very vital in a relationship, we will talk about what happens when we argue.
Please understand the golden rule I have told you in the earlier lessons that men and women are different in the ways they think. If you do not take this into account, you will always come to conclusion that how you see, feel and think is always correct, without giving your partner the benefit of how he/she sees, feels and thinks. You may be right, you may be wrong, and that’s another matter. But also know that the other person does not think, feel and behave the way you do. Otherwise it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only your partner but also us.
Don’t ever think that after a psychological argument victory you have won a great war. The fact that you have defeated your partner can make you a target for future concerns and hurt for you. Therefore, the secret to avoid arguments is loving and respectful communications. You can always choose to communicate without arguing. You choose and get want you want.
In an ideal situation, an argument or quarrel does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an ongoing conversation in which we can talk about our differences and disagreements. You really don’t have to fight over this if you do have the wisdom and skill. I am sure all couples will have their share of differences and disagreements.
But practically speaking almost all couples start arguing about one thing, and, within five minutes, they are arguing the way they are arguing. It is not the differences that hurt us but the ways in which we communicate. Is my voice reaching you ? Without realizing this they begin hurting each other. What could have been an innocent argument and easily resolved with mutual understanding and acceptance of differences, becomes and turns into a battle. Both of them refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner’s point of view simple because the way they approached the problem was wrong.
Solution to an argument is to stretch or extend our point of view to include and assimilate another point of view. To do this we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner’s attitude in not loving, our self-esteem can actually get hurt. The more we are in love with someone; the more difficult it is to objectively hear their point of view without we reacting to their negative feelings. We feel that if we lose an argument, we will be low and disrespectful in our partner’s eyes. This is why automatic defenses come up to counter your partner. This is a wrong perception. It is in no way a cause of disrespect to you. In fact, your partner will not have any grudges against you and the moment he feels better you can rework out your love towards him. And he too will begin to love you more.
(To be continued, Insha Allah)